Get A Personal Trainer for your Relationship
By David M. Ochinero, MA, LCMFT
Now days you can find a personal trainer for just about anything yet few have considered getting a personal trainer for the most significant part of their life; their relationship. With less work than it takes to drop a dress or belt size a relationship specialist can provide exercises to strengthen relational basics, increase closeness, be angry without fighting or hurting each other, and resolve issues without settling for something you don’t really want. You may not get "abs of steel" but you can get a rock solid relationship that leaves you fulfilled and significantly closer to your mate.
Relationship experts report that the key to any successful relationship starts and ends with healthy communication. If you can relate, read on.
We’re all guilty of doing it from time to time and the couples I work with seem particularly stuck in a habitual pattern that elevates emotions and often moves them emotionally, if not physically, apart. Issues rarely get resolved in this communication loop leaving couples frustrated, stuck and dreading future confrontation. Each time this happens our respect for the other erodes the foundation of the relationship while bitterness and resentment slowly seep in.
The pattern looks something like this: A topic is brought up for discussion and the speaker attempts to explain themselves but too often is delivered in such a way that infers or asserts the other’s responsibility in the problem; they conclude with a solution to the problem. In knee-jerk reaction the listener reacts, sometimes interrupting defensively, counters “incorrect” information, pointing out the listener’s responsibility, then offers a better solution to the issue. Neither of them realize "the problem" is not even what they think it is.
You’re probably smiling as you read because you already know where this is going!
As couples fire back and forth reminiscent of old westerns where one shoots while the other waits for the chance to pop out and shoot back, the emotional temperature climbs upward as the two volley their viewpoints. Desperate to get the other to simply see their side, angry and hurtful words begin to recklessly fly, piercing like shrapnel, while issues become more important than the relationship. If we’re honest, we realize at least to some degree, how true this pattern is in our own marriage. If not corrected couples can eventually live more like roommates mired in a painful pattern that catapults couples toward more positive relationships. Many turn to their children, friends, careers, hobbies, extended family, and some find emotional intimacy outside their relationship. Interestingly, couples research bears out that if we do not recognize and change such behavior patterns we eventually repeat the same patterns in another relationship.
So how do we stop this flabby cycle and get back in shape? By intentionally learning healthier and more effective relationship skills that bypass the symptoms and get to the real issues. That’s where a personal relationship trainer comes in!
Helping couples understand that HOW they relate to each other about an issue, not WHAT the issue is, starts the beginning of lasting change. Couples often do not understand that what they are squabbling about is usually a symptom of something wrong in their relationship (i.e.: unmet needs, emotional disconnection, control issues, feeling neglected, etc.). Instead of wasting time and energy orbiting around a symptom, couples can learn how to stop and replace their ineffective routine with more healthy, effective tools that get to the root of the relationship trouble spots. A professional can help you achieve relationship fitness and a plan to maintain what you achieve.
Sculpted curves and bulging biceps certainly look good at the beach or on the boat, but by day's end hopefully you're back home experiencing a relationship that is in just as good shape. For those who have some relationship weight to loose and want to firm and tone and get that relationship you’ve always wanted, consider getting a personal trainer for a professional relationship workout.
David M. Ochinero has been a Licensed Clinical Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationships for fifteen years. He lives with his wife and three daughters on Kent Island. For information about relationship training you can contact Mr. Ochinero at (410) 975-0105.